HATRED

Ah damn, I wonder if I have depression. Seriously. If I don't have depression than I definitely have some kind of hormone inbalance. It could be from my thyroid, and it could be that my hormones have been f*cked up from birth. man i don't even like to swear. i hate hearing it even and here i am using it to talk about myself. Was I born this way or did it come later after i was teased as a kid? why do i hate myself so much? why do i constantly disappoint myself? How come I'm not sure if I've ever been geniunely happy with myself? Why do I yearn to be anything but myself? Why do I always put myself down? Why do I get so jealous so easily? Why do I cry for no reason and so easily? How come I can be really hyper one moment and down in the dirt the very next? What's wrong with me this time? What do I need to be happy? I'll do anything. I really do think that if i was skinny i would be happy. If only I could lose 95 pounds. Maybe I'd get noticed. That's prolly what I need. For someone to recognize me and think I'm cool. How do I get that? I lose 95 pounds. It's the only way. You know how everybody is REALLY good at something? I don't have that something I'm good at. Well yes I guess I do. I think I am really good at not liking myself. I'm really good at getting jealous. I'm really good at crying for no reason.

Arrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh. I want to hit something!!!!!!!